I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
