dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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