My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize