one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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