What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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