I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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