He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
