i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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