Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
