the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
