Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
