Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize