Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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