Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
