Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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