I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
