If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
