So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
