hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
