Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
