i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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