did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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