ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
