I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
