Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
