I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
