i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize
