does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
