she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
