Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
