does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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