Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
