So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
