you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
