My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's not a walk of shame if you run
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
