I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Randomize
