So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
