Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
