your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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