Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
