you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
