Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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