Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
