I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
FUCK WHALES
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
