Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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