Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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