I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
