TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So apparently I’m into choking now
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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