Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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