I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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