Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
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