A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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