Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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