he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This is classic penis vs brain.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
