I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
