I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
