as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
