I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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