i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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